Sisters and Brothers in Christ-
By now, many of you have no doubt seen first hand the swift-boat tactics of one, R. Andrew Bryan, used against me, Kris Keller. Bryan is an elder in the United Methodist Church and currently finds himself appointed to our beloved congregation. In typical fascist style, Randrew (as I hear his friends call him) has attempted to turn you, my cherished fellow-workers for the Gospel of Christ, against me. And what evokes his slander? Only that I am a humble youth worker.
Consider his chosen method of communication: an all-church email. Only those of the highest class are granted the privilege to send out all-church emails. So it is with great humility that I rely on our Newsfeed and Facebook pages to communicate with you; these are the only means of communication granted to me by this oppressive regime.
In the end, Randrew is right. I am one of you. I lack his patrician upbringing and his seat on the Bishop’s politburo. That is why we, the people, must join together to end this oppression! I urge you, fill his jar to overflowing so that we may watch him choke down that Happy Meal shake. If you are so moved, you may even take money from my jar and place it in his. As a man of the people, I know these are tough times. But together we can stop this oppression.
Let us together send a message to those of Randrew’s ilk throughout the land: we will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on; we’re going to survive! Today (or Sunday) we celebrate our Independence Day!
Here I stand. I cannot do otherwise.